How Gaming Improves Emotional Regulation
In this video, we meet Mark, a 13 year old boy using videogames for fun, but also as a mental health break from a stressful life. The problem? Mark is beloved in the game, but offline he struggles to control his emotions and make friends. Our Cyber Hero shows Mark that the same skills he uses to be great at the game are applicable offline too. [AMZ-183]
Featured Resources:
- Gaming Guide for Mentors, Parents, Educators, and Coaches
- Tip Sheet: How Adults Can Support the Mental Health of Youth Who Game
- Blue, Green, Yellow, and Red Zones: A Movement for Regulation & Belonging
This video is the second of five in a series on “Combatting the Manosphere.” The videos and corresponding collateral material are produced by AMAZE in collaboration with the LinkUp Lab, a project of Equimundo and Futures Without Violence.
Youth
Gaming is fun, but it’s more than that — the same skills you learn in gaming can be applied to your offline life. The discipline learned from analyzing your actions and strategy before trying again translates to studying, successful sports tryouts, getting into college/getting a job, or even dating. Skills like getting better through repetition, asking for help in a co-op game, being a team player (instead of a griefer), and emotionally regulating so you can focus can all be used offline too.
Videogames can also be a fantastic escape from real stressors in life. But as any gamer knows, letting those stressors affect your emotions in the game is a guaranteed way to lose. When a game gets you feeling overwhelmed and stuck, screaming as you hit the buttons harder does nothing. Instead, you need discipline to pause, breathe, and refocus before coming back to try again. That emotional regulation helps you succeed in the game, and it helps you succeed offline too. People who can be aware of their emotional state and regulate how they process their emotions, experience greater mental wellbeing and stronger relationships with others.
Emotional regulation is linked to how you treat others and how they react to you. When you’re emotionally regulated, others want to share space with you, and that leads to success, living a good life, and having good friendships. When emotions feel overwhelming or hard to regulate, it can sometimes lead to challenges like social withdrawal, more frequent intense feelings, or acting impulsively. It takes practice and discipline to know how to handle our emotions, and we can practice that in videogames.
You can feel disappointment and anger about something not going your way – that’s normal to feel. But your actions are what matter. People want to be friends with (and date) someone who calmly communicates how they feel rather than taking their emotions out in hurtful ways towards others
| Emotionally Regulated Behavior in a Videogame | How that Translates Offline |
|---|---|
| Rage building, and frustration level grows with difficulty of a game or when the chat is toxic and starts to become bullying - so you walk away to come back to it later. Or you pause, take a second to deep breath, refocus your mind on the task at hand, state out loud how you’re feeling, do what you need to feel better before coming back to the game. | When having a disagreement with a girlfriend, friend, or parent, you can notice that you or they are getting emotionally heated (into the red zone), so you excuse yourself to take a walk and talk more when you come back. Or you ask to pause for a bit to write down what you want to say first before returning to the discussion. |
| Someone who sends “GG” (good game) even after a loss. | No one likes a sore loser. You can feel disappointment and anger about something not going your way - that’s normal to feel. But your actions are what matter. People want to be friends with (and date) someone who calmly respects the outcome. |
| Asking for help when you need it. Either in the game if it’s multiplayer, or asking a friend (online or off) to teach you how to do something in a game, or help you complete a level. | When you are struggling, it's ok to ask for help. Whether it's asking your math teacher to explain a problem after school or asking a school counselor to talk because you are struggling with the loss of a loved one. You don't have to know how to do everything or do it all alone! |
| Unregulated Emotions in a Videogame | How that Translates Offline |
|---|---|
| Someone who rage quits and flames others. Think about their reputation – who would hit them up to play again? Who would invite them to their campaign? | No one likes a sore loser. If someone who didn’t get their way started insulting everyone as they walked away, it would be embarrassing. No one would ask them to hang out or be friends because their behavior is unpredictable. |
| A “griefer" or bad-faith player is a player in a multiplayer video game who deliberately annoys, disrupts, or trolls others in ways that are not part of the intended gameplay. Who wants to play with someone like that? | Don’t be a real-life griefer. Deliberately trolling is how you LOSE friends. Do nice things for other people, and people will want to be nice to you. |
| Experiencing bullying feels terrible, and there’s a lot of pressure to fit in by participating in insult culture. But that won’t help you feel more connected - in fact, it will push people away from you. Further, comments that are racist, sexist, or homophobic aren’t “just part of the game”—they do real harm and stay with people even after they log off. | Unfortunately, sometimes it feels like it IS popular to bully. There is huge pressure to engage in it and if you don’t participate, it can lead to more bullying. But think about it - do you want to hang out with that person? Friends should lift each other up and provide support, not tear each other down. People who harass and bully others would be more popular if they used their mental wit and physical strength to defend vulnerable people. |
FAQs
By being aware of your emotional state, you can know when to apply skillsets for regulating your emotions. Check out the resource below on Blue, Green, Yellow, and Red Zones. By knowing which zone you’re in, you will know what techniques to deploy to avoid having an emotionally unregulated reaction.
A lot of young people feel this way! Gaming is great and has tons of benefits like stress-relief, building community, and enhancing creativity and problem-solving. But if you feel lonely or stressed every single time you turn the game off, that’s your body longing for human interaction too. It can be helpful to try to prioritize some human interaction in your week, including via videogames (yes, you can join or start an in-person gaming club). It is difficult to make friends, but like the video says, what works in a co-op game is also what works in real life – respect, support, knowing when to ask for help, and showing up for people. That’s what real friendships are built on, and what will attract people to you. If that all seems daunting, it’s time to ask for some help from a coach, teacher, parent, or other trusted adult.
Every person is different, but if you start to notice you feel bad about yourself or notice that you compare yourself to others when you are scrolling, it’s time to take a break and do an activity that doesn’t involve your device! If you notice that you check your device automatically-without realizing it or feel like you have to check your social media all the time, you might be developing an unhealthy habit and spending too much time online.
Additional Resources
Parents
For parents and families to have a positive impact on their child around gaming and mental health, it is imperative they see the benefits of gaming, and always lead any conversation or comment with that positivity. Gaming isn’t just about playing; it’s about belonging, achievement, self-discovery, collaboration, competition, creativity, and escape.
Watch the video and read the Youth section above to understand how skills learned in gaming can be applied to real life. Then review the potential benefits and potential harms below.
Potential Benefits/Harms of Gaming
| Potential Benefits | Potential Harms |
|---|---|
| Enhances problem-solving, teamwork, strategy, and coordination skills. | Leads to frustration, aggression, or obsession over “winning” and online status. |
| Builds social connections and communities (especially important for youth from marginalized or minority groups who find connection with people who share similar identities to them even if they don’t live close by) | Isolates players from in-person connections if it becomes their main source of social interaction.Thus increasing the risk of being greatly influenced by potentially dangerous online voices. |
| Provides an outlet for stress relief, as many boys say gaming helps them decompress, relax, and release stress from their day to day | Excessive screen time affects sleep, mood, and physical activity. Using gaming as the only coping mechanism can prevent youth from getting mental health support they need and deserve. |
| Creates a space for creative self-expression through avatars, game design, or role-play. | Often female avatars and characters are hyper sexualized. This can normalize misogyny and impact the way youth value women and girls. It can lead boys to view girls as sexual objects not potential friends, while impacting girls’ sense of self worth. |
| Builds friendships, as 41% of teens say they have made a friend through gaming and nearly half say that gaming improves their friendships. | Exposure to cyberbullying, harassment, or offensive content (including misogynistic or homophobic or racist comments) and pressure to participate in this culture. |
| Expands their world view as they can connect with and get to know other gamers from all walks of life. | Exposure to restrictive and stereotypical ideas about men that negatively impact mental health: anger is the only acceptable emotion; never ask for help; your value is tied to domination. |
| May improve their mental health, as a greater percentage of teens say gaming improves their mental health (32%) rather than hurts it (7%) | Most teens say that bullying while gaming is a problem for teens. 41% of teens have been called an offensive name while gaming, 12% have been physically threatened, and 8% have been sent unwanted sexually explicit content. |
Parents and families should watch for possible indicators that a young person may be struggling with their mental health or experiencing/ being exposed to harm online, and respond with curiosity, care, and positive mental health resources. Some warning signs include:
- Prolonged changes in behavior such as increased hours of play, decrease in school performance, decreased interest in hobbies
- Prolonged changes in mood such as irritability, sadness, or numbness
- Avoidance of face-to-face interactions, preferring online spaces exclusively
- Secrecy about who they’re gaming with or where they are engaging online
- Anger, aggressiveness, or defensiveness when interrupted while gaming or asked to stop gaming
- Obsession with “winning,” in-game status, rank, or comparison to others
- Belief that that online interactions define their self-worth
- Expressing that boys & men are the predominant victims in society or that women are to blame for men’s problems
- Mocking or dismissive humor that normalized violence, misogyny or harassment
For what to do if you notice these signs, check out Gaming Key Concepts (for Adults)
Conversation Starters
Kids and teens absorb what their parents say, even if they claim to not care or even groan at how old you sound. You can say things like, “I felt myself getting so upset with my friend that I told her I would have to think about it and call her back. I didn’t want to say something I would later regret. I took some time to talk to someone else about it, think clearly, and then I came back to her and calmly explained how hurt I was before giving her an answer.” Or, “I got so mad at this driver today I started screaming at him in the car, but then I got worried I’d do something stupid, so I took three deep breaths – in my nose, out my mouth – counted to ten, and thought about all the times I’ve made mistakes. By the time I finished, he was gone and I was over it.” Don’t act like you never get mad or sad – that will come off as dishonest – but the more you can weave into everyday conversations how you handle that, the better.
If your child is struggling with something in real life, prompt them to compare it to a videogame they like and what they would do there. Reread the chart in the Youth section above to get a sense of how you can compare skills that work in gaming to real life.
Young people – especially boys today – struggle to ask for help or to talk about their feelings to adults who can help. They need to know that asking for help is normal, and showing them can be better than telling. Kids and teens absorb what their parents say, even if they claim to not care or even groan at how old you sound. You can say things like, “I did not understand the instruction my boss gave today, so after I tried for a little bit, I went right back to her and asked if she could explain again. Boy, I’m glad I did because I totally misinterpreted the first time.” Or, “I did not know what to do about Grace not responding to my texts. So I called your Aunt Mae and just vented to her for an hour.
You would not listen to the concerns of someone who regularly criticized something you love, and your child is the same way. Try to lead all discussions of gaming with positivity and support for the benefits. Then use open ended questions to generate discussion such as, What do you like most about this game? What is the most stressful part? Who do you usually play this game with? What are the relationships like that you have built through gaming? What does this game give you that offline life doesn’t right now? What would your perfect balance between gaming and offline life look like?
Today, gaming is very much online. Parents and families must recognize that gaming often comes with exposure to cyberbullying, harassment, or offensive content (including misogynistic or homophobic or racist comments) and pressure to participate in this culture. Initiate open-ended conversations about how this impacts your child’s mental health. Some questions you can ask include, What have you heard or seen in video games or in the chat that has made you uncomfortable, anxious, or upset? How do you feel when people say mean or inappropriate things while gaming? Is gaming helping you be the person you want to be?
Educators
For educators to have a positive impact on their students around gaming and mental health, it is imperative they see the benefits of gaming, and always lead any conversation or comment with that positivity. Gaming isn’t just about playing; it’s about belonging, achievement, self-discovery, collaboration, competition, creativity, and escape.
An additional role educators can play is offering to serve as faculty advisor for a gaming club at school. Gaming doesn’t have to be a solitary activity young people only do at home. It can be done after school so that gamers meet other gamers, make friends, and practice building teamwork, managing emotions, and other skills gaming can help develop with the guidance of an educator in the room.
Watch the video and read the sections above to understand how skills learned in gaming can be applied to real life. Then review the potential benefits and potential harms below.
Potential Benefits/Harms of Gaming
| Potential Benefits | Potential Harms |
|---|---|
| Enhances problem-solving, teamwork, strategy, and coordination skills. | Leads to frustration, aggression, or obsession over “winning” and online status. |
| Builds social connections and communities (especially important for youth from marginalized or minority groups who find connection with people who share similar identities to them even if they don’t live close by) | Isolates players from in-person connections if it becomes their main source of social interaction.Thus increasing the risk of being greatly influenced by potentially dangerous online voices. |
| Provides an outlet for stress relief, as many boys say gaming helps them decompress, relax, and release stress from their day to day | Excessive screen time affects sleep, mood, and physical activity. Using gaming as the only coping mechanism can prevent youth from getting mental health support they need and deserve. |
| Creates a space for creative self-expression through avatars, game design, or role-play. | Often female avatars and characters are hyper sexualized. This can normalize misogyny and impact the way youth value women and girls. It can lead boys to view girls as sexual objects not potential friends, while impacting girls’ sense of self worth. |
| Builds friendships, as 41% of teens say they have made a friend through gaming and nearly half say that gaming improves their friendships. | Exposure to cyberbullying, harassment, or offensive content (including misogynistic or homophobic or racist comments) and pressure to participate in this culture. |
| Expands their world view as they can connect with and get to know other gamers from all walks of life. | Exposure to restrictive and stereotypical ideas about men that negatively impact mental health: anger is the only acceptable emotion; never ask for help; your value is tied to domination. |
| May improve their mental health, as a greater percentage of teens say gaming improves their mental health (32%) rather than hurts it (7%) | Most teens say that bullying while gaming is a problem for teens. 41% of teens have been called an offensive name while gaming, 12% have been physically threatened, and 8% have been sent unwanted sexually explicit content. |
Educators should watch for possible indicators that a young person may be struggling with their mental health or experiencing/ being exposed to harm online, and respond with curiosity, care, and positive mental health resources. Some warning signs include:
- Prolonged changes in behavior such as increased hours of play, decrease in school performance, decreased interest in hobbies
- Prolonged changes in mood such as irritability, sadness, or numbness
- Avoidance of face-to-face interactions, preferring online spaces exclusively
- Secrecy about who they’re gaming with or where they are engaging online
- Anger, aggressiveness, or defensiveness when interrupted while gaming or asked to stop gaming
- Obsession with “winning,” in-game status, rank, or comparison to others
- Belief that that online interactions define their self-worth
- Expressing that boys & men are the predominant victims in society or that women are to blame for men’s problems
- Mocking or dismissive humor that normalized violence, misogyny or harassment
For what to do if you notice these signs, check out the Tip Sheet (for adults) resource below.
National Sex Ed Standards
Identify trusted adults, including parents, caregivers, and health care professionals, whom students can ask questions about puberty and adolescent health
Describe the cognitive, social, and emotional changes of adolescence and early adulthood
Evaluate the impact of technology (e.g., use of smart phones, GPS tracking) and social media on relationships (e.g., consent, communication)
Demonstrate strategies to use social media safely, legally, and respectfully