Understanding Sexual Consent and The Law

Parents and guardians can help their children understand what it means to respect another person’s boundaries. Many parents are already teaching this important lesson when they help their children understand if a friend doesn’t want to play right now or perhaps doesn’t want to be hugged. As young people begin puberty, it is important that they understand that sexual consent means that both people actively and verbally agree to sexual behaviors. Sexual behavior means many things to different people and is generally a lot more than just oral, anal or vaginal sex. It can include touching, rubbing and many other behaviors that people might find pleasurable. If both people do not say “yes,” then consent has not been given. Trying to persuade someone into saying “yes” when they are not sure or do not want to have sex is not consent. It is called sexual coercion.

Young people should also understand that they and their partners have the right to change their mind about what they do or do not want to do at any time. This means that even if they are engaging in sexual acts with a person and their partner changes their mind, they must stop whatever they are doing and respect their partner’s wishes. Not respecting those wishes could be crossing the line into illegal behavior. They should also know that consent must also be given each time they engage in a sexual behavior with someone. Consenting to a certain behavior at one point does not mean that a person automatically consents to that same behavior the next time they see their partner.

Understanding consent is not only about respecting other people’s boundaries, but being very clear about if and when a person can consent to sexual behaviors. If a person is under the influence of drugs or alcohol, they cannot legally give consent. Engaging in sexual behaviors with someone who is under the influence of drugs or alcohol is considered rape. It is important that parents and guardians also speak with their children about the fact that a person must be a certain age to legally consent to sexual behaviors. This age is called the “age of consent,” and age-of-consent laws vary from state to state. The age of consent is between 16 and 18 years old, depending on which state you live in. If a person at or over the age of consent engages in sexual behaviors with a person under the age of consent, this would be considered statutory rape, regardless of the gender of the two people or whether the younger person agreed to the behaviors. Some states have what are called “Romeo and Juliet laws,” which do not consider sexual behavior between two young people who are close in age statutory rape.

Parents and guardians can help their children understand that age-of-consent laws are not meant to punish young people, but to protect them from adults who might hurt or take advantage of them. Parents and guardians can research the laws in their state with their teenage children to learn more.

Adults should also make it very clear that a person who has been sexually assaulted is never at fault and should tell a trusted adult if they have been assaulted. Clearly communicating this message can ensure that young people feel safe coming to their parents, guardians or other trusted adults.

CONVERSATION STARTERS

If you start essential conversations about topics like consent with your children, then they will know they can come to you with questions. The easiest way to start these conversations is to talk about issues as they come up in everyday life, like while watching shows or movies together.

Consent is unique in that it can be discussed and demonstrated in many non-sexual situations in everyday life. Using each other’s belongings and giving hugs or kisses are just a couple of opportunities to demonstrate consent with your child.

Here are some ways to start these conversations: