Virginity
This video provides the historical context of virginity as well as people’s different definitions for virginity. It clarifies that some people might consider themselves virgins if they have not had vaginal sex but have engaged in other types of sexual activity, while some people can only engages in certain types of sexual behaviors, so they might have a different definition. The video defines the hymen and dispels the myth of a broken hymen determining someone with a vagina’s virginity. It also defines abstinence, lists the reasons why someone might remain abstinent, and emphasizes that having or not having sex does not make someone a good or bad person. [AMZ-063]
Youth
Maybe you have heard the word “virgin” or “virginity.” But what exactly do those words mean? The word “virgin” means a person who has not had sex. But if being a virgin is defined by whether a person has had sex, what does it mean to “have sex”? For some people, being a virgin means never having had vaginal sex. Someone may never have vaginal sex but engage in other sexual behaviors, like oral sex. Does this make that person a virgin? Other people believe being a virgin means never having been involved in any type of sexual behavior with another person. People have different ideas about what it means to be a virgin, so it is very important to talk to a partner about what sexual behaviors they have engaged in during past relationships before having sex with them. Just because someone considers themselves a virgin, it does not mean that they have not engaged in behaviors that could put them at risk for a sexually transmitted disease (STD).
In the past, people really cared about whether a girl had or had not had sex. The state of being a virgin—virginity—was thought of as a good quality in a girl. People also believed that you could tell if a girl was a virgin. But we now know that no one can tell if a person is a virgin by looking at them or even from doing a medical exam. Choosing to engage in any type of sexual behavior is an important decision, regardless of a person’s gender.
What is most important is not whether someone is or is not a virgin, but choosing to have sex when a person is ready. Some people wait until they find a partner they love to have sex. Others wait until they are older, maybe in high school or college. Some people know they aren’t ready emotionally to handle the possible consequences. Everyone is different, and each person’s decision should be valued and respected. Having or not having sex does not make you a good or bad person. What is important is choosing to do what is best and healthy for you. Talking to a parent, caregiver or adult you trust—like an older sibling or an aunt—can help you work through figuring out what is right for you.
FAQs
No one can tell if a person is a virgin just by looking at them or even from a medical exam. People once believed that you could tell if a girl was a virgin if her hymen was not broken. The hymen is a thin tissue that can cover part of the vaginal opening (located about a half-inch inside the vagina). We know now that some people are born without hymens, and some people’s hymen’s can be broken from doing ordinary things, like gymnastics or using a tampon. What is important is not whether someone’s hymen is broken or they have engaged in sexual behaviors, but that they choose to have sex when it is healthy and right for them.
People can sometimes disagree about what it means to “have sex.” Some people believe being a virgin means never having been involved in any type of sexual behavior with another person, including oral sex. For other people, being a virgin means never having had vaginal sex. Someone may never have vaginal sex but engage in other sexual behaviors, like oral sex. Does this make that person a virgin? People define virginity in different ways, including not believing in it at all. What is important is not whether someone has or had not engaged in sexual behaviors, but that they choose to have sex when it is healthy and right for them.
Most young people wait to have sex until they’re about 17. Only 41 percent of high school students have ever had sex, and very few have sex before getting to high school. Even though it might seem like a lot of people your age are having sex, it’s totally normal to wait until you’re older and ready.
Parents
When parents and caregivers talk with young people about what they know or understand about virginity, it opens the door to important conversations about how people decide if and when they are ready for sex. When parents initiate conversations about these topics and show that they are open and supportive, this sets the stage for children to come to their parents and caregivers with questions or if they need advice.
Conversation Starters
Below are some ways to start these conversations:
If you’re watching TV and a character is concerned about either “losing or keeping their virginity,” you could ask the following: “Should wanting to not be seen as a virgin be a reason why someone decides to have sex?” “What do you think people should consider when they are trying to decide if they are ready for sex?”
If you hear about a young person being bullied for having sex or being perceived to have had sex or someone is bullied for being perceived to be a virgin, you can ask the following questions: “Have you heard about kids being bullied because people think they have or have not had sex?” “What would you do if a friend were being bullied because people thought your friend was or wasn’t a virgin?”
Educators
Young people may hear the words “virgin” or “virginity” and be very confused about what these words mean. It is no surprise that young people might be confused, as there is no consensus about what virginity means.
Virginity is not a medical term, and there is no medical definition of virginity. A person cannot look at another person and know if that person is a virgin. A medical exam cannot determine if someone is a virgin. At one time, it was believed that an intact hymen (the thin tissue that can cover part of the vaginal opening, located about a half-inch inside the vagina) meant a person was a virgin. But some people are born without a hymen, and it’s not unusual for the hymen to be broken during ordinary activities, like gymnastics or horseback riding. This definition also only applies to girls and does not recognize the fact that people, regardless of gender, have to decide when is the right time to have sex.
While there are many different ways of understanding what virginity means, educators can explain to young people that when people use the word “virgin” they are often referring to a person who has not had sex. But people don’t always agree about which behaviors constitute “having sex,” so people’s definitions of virginity can vary widely. For example, for some people, being a virgin means never having had vaginal sex. Other people believe being a virgin means never having been involved in any type of sexual behavior, including oral or anal sex, with another person.
It is important that educators help young people understand that virginity is an idea with lots of different meanings for different people. Discussing these different meanings can provide an opportunity for educators to talk with young people about how someone might decide if they are ready for sex. During these conversations, it is important that young people know that whether a person has or has not had sex does not make them a good or bad person. This is an especially important message given that a young person who has survived sexual assault may feel shame about not being a virgin. This shame can prevent young people from seeking the help and care they desperately need. Educators can also stress that bullying a person based on his or her perceived sexual behavior is never okay. What is most important is not whether someone is or is not a virgin, but that they get to choose what is healthy and best for them.
National Sex Education Standards
Identify trusted adults, including parents, caregivers, and health care professionals, whom students can ask questions about puberty and adolescent health
Identify factors that are important in deciding whether and when to engage in sexual behaviors
Analyze how peers, family, media, society, culture, and a person’s intersecting identities can influence attitudes, beliefs, and expectations about relationships
International Technical Guidance on Sexuality Education
Discussion Questions
- What are some of the changes of puberty that you saw in the video?
- Did any of these changes surprise you?
- How do you think someone might feel when they start to experience these changes?
- What can a young person do if they are worried or confused about the changes of puberty?
