For parents and caregivers, it can be easy to dismiss the emotional attractions children feel for other people, and difficult to acknowledge when they have feelings for others that go beyond friendship. Having attractions to others, however, along with the desire to engage in behaviors with others as a result, is a normative part of childhood. Attractions and behaviors experienced in childhood serve as a training ground for young people to gain the skills and characteristics they need for cultivating healthy relationships in adulthood.

To clarify, attraction is when an individual has sexual or romantic feelings for someone that are generally based on feelings of liking or loving that person. People are attracted to others for different reasons. Science has shown that a person’s attractions are outside of their control and cannot be changed. Attraction is typically defined by its effect on one’s emotional state, which means no one else will usually know about a person’s attractions unless they decide to share them. Having feelings of attraction is a normal part of growing up for almost all young people. These feelings can be sexual, romantic or both.

Behavior, on the other hand, is an action, activity or a way of behaving, especially with or towards someone else. Sometimes a person’s chooses a behavior to express their feelings of attraction and sometimes they don’t. When children are attracted to others, they may want to express those feelings by talking or texting with them or by spending time alone together. They may also want to express those feelings through physical touch like hugging, snuggling, holding hands, kissing, and even having sexual experiences with the person they are attracted to. In some cases, they may also attempt to do things that garner the attention of the person they’re attracted to, even if they are not fully aware of their motive for engaging in them. Compared to attraction, engaging in behavior is a choice. Moreover, deciding not to act on one’s feelings is also a kind of behavior. Having an attraction or feeling does not require behavior to make it legitimate. If a child does engage in a behavior that reflects their attractions, that is also perfectly normal, and should not be shamed.

CONVERSATION STARTERS

When parents and caregivers engage in loving and supportive conversations with children about their sexuality and/or sexual development, it allows children to practice safe and healthy habits as they grow up. Bringing up conversations about children’s attractions, even before they show interest in others, can be a useful way to let your child know that you are available to answer questions or provide support, should they decide to become sexually active.

In some cases, children may come to you for assistance before you address them. Be open to hearing what they have to say, and provide them the information and guidance they need to effectively take care of themselves.

Below are some ways to engage in conversations with young people about attraction and behavior: