A Good Friend: Green and Red Flags in Friendships

What are some things your child should be doing to be a good friend to others? These are sometimes called “green flags,” and there are many more than the list below. But some green flags in friendships include:

• Open, honest communication of thoughts, feelings and values without fearing judgement
• Making time for you when asked – birthday parties, coming to shows or big games, listening when you’re sad.
• Showing up in your time of need – volunteering to help, giving gifts or being silly to cheer you up.
• Listening when you talk and remembering what you’ve told them.
• Keeping their promises
• They apologize if they hurt you (all friendships have these moments!)
• Agreeing to disagree, or finding compromises when disagreements occur. Within a healthy relationship, conflict is not only normal – it’s inevitable. Knowing how to communicate about these disagreements and showing respect and support for each other’s feelings, thoughts, and values is what makes a relationship strong.

What are some things your child should avoid doing to someone if they want to be a good friend? These are sometimes called “red flags,” and there are many more than the list below. But some red flags in friendships include:

• Signs of jealousy, being overly possessive, or constantly checking in on where you are and who you’re with
• Badmouthing you behind your back – telling you one thing about how they feel and telling other people something else
• Inability to keep promises, whether that’s showing up on time or saying they will do something for you and then not following through
• Always talking about themselves and their problems, but never asking about you.
• In an unhealthy relationship, disagreements may be met with silence, or one person may try to pressure, bully or belittle the other into agreement.

One option if a friendship has some red flags is to bring it up and talk it out. All friendships go through hard times, and if the friendship is important to your child, then you can play a role in encouraging them to initiate a discussion with their friend where both parties get a chance to share how they’re feeling and discuss disagreements and hurt feelings. You can offer to facilitate this discussion (so long as you’re aware that many parents have a subconscious bias in favor of their own child), but you may also want to take this opportunity to let your child try to do it on their own. Addressing conflict in any relationship is inevitable in life, and this could be a great learning moment for them.

Sometimes discussions don’t lead to changes. In that case, you may want to point out to your child that it’s okay choose to invest your time in friendships that have green flags and walk away from friendships filled with red flags. Often, providing an example of a time you did this in your life is really helpful for young people to hear from their parents.

Asking open-ended questions like “What do you like about them?” is a great way to begin a conversation about friends you think are healthy for your child (as well as unhealthy if you think your child doesn’t see it yet). You can also ask more focused questions like “What do they do for you and what do you do for them?” to get your child to say out loud some friendship green flags. Be sure to emphasize that friendships go both ways. Consider the common saying, “you have to be a friend to have a friend,” and discuss its meaning with your child.

Have you noticed any of your friendships change over the past few years?

It can be sad if a good friend becomes interested in new things and spends time with a new group of people. If that happened to someone you know, what advice would you give them?